My husband Chris shared these thoughts last week and I thought you might enjoy hearing them as well.
A few weeks back my sons enjoyed geocaching for the first time with our friend Nicole. Searching the woods for a hidden surprise was exhilarating. It took some persistence, but the wait paid off when they discovered concealed containers filled with toys and trinkets.
Each of us can pursue the hidden treasure in our identities as well. Recognizing the “treasure” is Skill 6, Identifying Heart Values, but relationally expressing this treasure is a different skill altogether.
When we remember who we are and express our heart in the good and bad times, we express the “gold” in our unique design. This process sounds easy in theory, however, in reality it takes examples, practice and training. When something hurts or upsets us, it is all too easy for our values, tenderness and filters to fly out the window. Maybe someone cut us off on the road, we encounter a rude person, or our child disobeys for the “_nth” time. Whether we are sad, mad, afraid, ashamed, disgusted or hopeless, our brain must learn how to remain our relational selves while navigating negative emotions. This ability is a gift for loved ones to observe and do likewise. When this skill is underdeveloped, we revert to non-relational strategies that are often cringeworthy and guilt-producing.
This leads me to our long-overdue Transforming Fellowship thought of the day focusing on Skill 12, Acting Like Myself In The Big Six Feelings: “Life throws us curve balls. Unexpected problems interrupt and plague our day. We live in a world where people hurt us and relationships create distress. Instead of trying to isolate ourselves from the many disappointments that can derail our relational brain, we can learn how to stay our true selves as God designed us when emotions arise. At the end of the day, we are as good as our ability to manage what we feel. How well we navigate upset largely determines the level of trust and closeness we create with other people. How well we attune and comfort others is a reflection of our ability to manage our own emotions. Do we stay relationally connected? Do we isolate? Do we attack? Our reactions tell a story. Skill 12 is what equips us to express our faith and values under increasingly difficult and everchanging circumstances.” (Page 163)
I am excited for the new interactive Bible Study coauthored with Amy Brown that is on the horizon and soon to be released. This resource will be useful to help groups learn and apply important skills while having a bit of fun. If you haven’t yet read Transforming Fellowship, check it out here.
Yes, it’s not always what I want to do in my state of anger or any form of upset but now I know it is what I have to do to return to joy and actually to life itself . Looking and remembering the beautiful and precious true nature of my wife that manifests in current actions and words allows me to not persist in my dusfunctional state of mind 🙂 Thank you for sharing, Jen and Chris.